Discoverer: It's debatable, some say Adam, but we now know, that only God could 
             discover something so perfect! 

Occurrence: Copious quantities in all Urban areas, with slightly lower concentrations in 
              Suburban and Rural areas. Subject to seasonal fluctuations. 

Physical Properties
1.  Surface usually covered with minimal painted film. As a rule, not necessary. 
2.  Boils at everything, freezes without reason. 
3.  Melts if given special treatment. 
4.  Bitter if used incorrectly. Can cause headaches. Handle with care! 
5.  Found in various states; ranging from virgin metal to common ore. 
6.  Yields to pressure applied to correct points. 

Chemical Properties 
1.  Has great affinity for Gold, Silver, Platinum and many precious stones. 
2.  Absorbs great quantities of expensive substances. 
3.  May explode spontaneously if left alone on dates. 
4.  Reactive in liquids, even more, increased activity when saturated in alcohol. 
5.  Repels cheap material. Neutral to common sense. 
6.  Most powerful money reducing agent known to Man. 

Uses
1.  Highly ornamental, especially in sports cars. 
2.  Can greatly improve hormonal  levels. 
3.  Can warm and comfort under certain circumstances. 
4.  Incapable of cooling things down, when it's too hot. 

Tests
1.  Pure specimen turns rosy pink when discovered in natural state. 
2.  Turns green when placed beside a better specimen. 

Caution
1.  Highly dangerous except in experienced hands. Use extreme care when handling.
2.  Illegal to possess more than one. 

Original, posted to the GIGGLES list by Joseph J. Kapraszewski 
(jjk1@acad.bryant.edu)